Dear MAGA, With It Clear Trump Is Bigly on the Epstein List, Have You Tried Wrapping Yourself in Even More Flags?

We all know your guy is a traitor the Republic...

Dear MAGA,

We understand this must be a difficult time for you. You’ve spent years chanting “lock her up,” fantasizing about Epstein revelations, and stockpiling flag merch like it’s holy armor. But now the list is here. And guess what? Trump’s on it. Bigly. Not just a footnote—a frequent flyer. Suddenly, all that flag-waving feels a little thin. So may we suggest a pivot?

You’ve already wrapped yourself in American flags head to toe. Bandanas, bumper stickers, rifle holsters—you’ve tried it all. But clearly, Old Glory isn’t working anymore. It didn’t protect you from the truth. It didn’t shield your golden god from the flight logs. Maybe it’s time to upgrade.

Try the Confederate flag? It’s always been the real symbol of MAGA anyway. It stands for all your favorite values: grievance, denial, whitewashed history, and losing spectacularly.

Drape yourself in it. Let it wave proudly behind your lifted truck while you shout “deep state!” at a cloud. Because when facts betray you, heritage (read: delusion) is all that’s left.

Yes, we know—you hoped the Epstein files would vindicate you. That it would expose the “elites.” That it would take down Hollywood and Obama and anyone who ever used pronouns unironically. But instead, it took down your guy. And now your only defense is to swaddle yourself tighter in performative outrage and flags that already lost the first time.

So wrap up, MAGA. Not in the Stars and Stripes—they’ve failed you. Wrap up in the Stars and Bars. Surrender to the delusion with honor. And when someone asks why Trump is on that list, just point to your flag and say, “Heritage, not accountability.”