Dear MAGA, Your Guy Is Such a Winner! Grats on the FIFA Peace Prize!
- john raymond
- Dec 6, 2025
- 2 min read
Truly, history will remember this moment. President Trump, that towering colossus of world diplomacy, has now secured the incomparable, universally treasured, completely-not-made-up FIFA Peace Prize—the highest honor ever bestowed by an organization best known for corruption and deciding which cleats violate branding rules.
At last, a prize worthy of the man.
And only the rudest skeptics would dare question it. Only the small-minded would point at an ungodly corrupt major athletic governing body and ask naïve questions like, “Why is FIFA giving out peace prizes?” or “Since when does global harmony hinge on the people who needed FBI raids to remember what honesty is?”
No, no. Those are unserious questions by unserious people.
Serious people understand that nothing says “international respect” quite like applause from the same institution that cannot award a World Cup without consulting a spreadsheet labeled Bribes: Estimated Minimums.
The fact that FIFA spontaneously materialized a peace prize just in time for Trump to receive it is clearly proof of his overwhelming global influence, not—heaven forbid—something less grand, something utterly stupid.
And MAGA should feel proud. After all, this recognition didn’t come from just any old body. No. It came from a group whose reputation for ethics is so legendary that entire investigative journalism careers are built on simply reading their email leaks. If such a beacon of moral clarity says Trump brings peace, who are we to argue?
Let us savor this: a man who has contributed so much to planetary calm—through subtle tools like threats, insults, mid-conflict escalations, random strikes, and the occasional accidental destabilization—has finally gotten his due from the premier authority on red cards and geopolitical insight.
It is entirely fitting that world peace be evaluated by the same referees who struggle to determine when a ball fully crosses a line. After all, both endeavors require the same keen eye for nuance.
And please, ignore the cynics muttering that this prize sounds like something invented in a hotel conference room between cappuccinos or whiskey sours. Ignore the childish observation that no one on Earth had ever heard of a FIFA Peace Prize until it landed on Trump’s desk. Ignore the jealous claim that this somehow resembles a participation trophy for a movement starved for validation.
No. This is a victory, plain and simple. A real one. Clearly the kind only the most discerning global institutions—especially those under continuous ethics investigation—are qualified to bestow.
So congratulations, MAGA. Your champion has done it again. Not content with merely redefining American politics, he has now redefined the very concept of peace: a concept which, as it turns out, is best recognized by FIFA, the world’s leading authority on… well, whatever the fuck this insane horseshit of a prize is.
Truly, a historic triumph. Hang it on the wall. Tell your children. Treasure it forever.
After all, nothing says “global statesman” like a peace prize minted by the people who corruptly organize soccer tournaments.
Comments